to him. #3.

I know that I have written to you more than anyone else. But that is only because you have been on my mind a lot more. My mind is full of confusion about you. Curiosity about you. Wonders about you.
I have told you what I think. I have told you how I feel. I have let everything out. There's nothing more to say. I feel so confused about you though. You have said some things...but I never fully understand them.
I always laugh inside when you suddenly change the topic of a text. It makes me feel like you're hiding something. Or just simply uncomfortable. Whatever it is, I wish you would just come out and say it. We have both agreed that we cannot deny what has happened in our past together. But I don't want that to affect our present. and future.
You make these comments. Little sayings or phrases that bring up old times once more. So I sit in remembrance of them. But I never know how to respond. I don't know whether to respond in sarcasm, humor, hatred, mercy, gladness. Partly because I'm not sure how I feel. Then partly because I don't know what kind of response you're looking for...
I've heard stories. not good ones. ones that I wish were lies, yet I am not finding it particularly hard to believe. Sometimes I wish people would just stop bringing stories about you up. However, despite my wishes, people still do. Occasionally it will be a story that makes me laugh. smile. remember. Most of them do not fit in that category however. There's always those stories that make me sad. mad. confused. hurt. Yet...I do not know why. They shouldn't make me feel that way. Honestly your life should not be very much of my business. Your life, your decisions, your desires. It's all yours. It still somehow affects me though.
I feel as if I'm babbling on right now. But I'm just writing the things that come to me. In the order they come to me in. So if you're terribly confused or lost, I'm sorry. That was not my intention. I'm still working through things. Overcoming things. Looking past things. Letting go of things. Yes I guess it has been a rather long/slow process. But I am progressing...at least I think. and hope.

If you are ever bored. And ever have the time. Look up the song More Like Her by Miranda Lambert. You may not like it, but it has been playing through my mind a lot. It kind of makes me think of some things. And question myself.

I will see you soon. Probably on the stage. Under the lights. Around the music. In the midst of others like me and like you. Until then, farewell.

Love Always,
pookie.

to him...again.

We have been talking more lately. I'm not complaining. but at the same time I'm not rejoicing. Don't get me wrong, I love talking to you. You make me laugh. You make me smile like no one else does. But that's the problem.
Lately I have found myself strangely going out of my way to talk to you. I don't understand why I am doing this to myself. I just can't help it. When I talk to you it brings back memories. And not the bad ones. The good ones. The ones of us sitting on your couch or talking on the phone late at night and having the most random and funny conversations ever. Us attempting to be mean to the the other but then burst out in laughter because we cannot pretend. Telling each other every minor detail of our day. The good and the bad. The boring and the exciting. The smiles. The laughs. The joys.
I miss them. And talking to you slightly brings them back. But it's not helping me. I feel myself being pulled in again. I don't mean to. but it's happening. I'm beginning to miss the past so much more. I want to let it go. I have overcome the mistakes and the regrets...but for some reason I cannot seem to let go of those memories.
You may be wondering what the main problem is. For I haven't made it completely clear yet. The problem is...I think I still love you. but I don't want to.
xoxo...pooksters

miss chemist.

Oh how I love us and our conversations. They are so random, yet there is no one else I would rather have them with.
I must admit that I have drawn away from you and others this year. And I apologize. My mind has been like a race car. going full speed and beginning to lose control on the track. I have begun to hold some things in and not openly discuss them. But then that one day...when I came and opened up to you and that beautiful friend of ours. It felt so good to finally tell someone. Finally let things out. I will again admit that I might have left some things out, but that's only because I was afraid of your reactions and what you would think, what you would say.
I know, stupid right? I have always tried to be one of those people who didn't care what others think, but I havent always been successful. Maybe one day I'll spill everything...if we ever get the chance. But I'm so thankful that you welcomed me and my situation. Your words and cares meant so much to me. It made me realize that it was okay to open up to some people. That I didnt have to "hide in a corner".
We graduate in 93 days. Its going to be here before we know it. I dont want to lose this though. I feel as if I'm just now starting to realize how similar we are in ways. How much I truly value this friendship. and dont want to let it go.
That is why I wanted you to join me in my "florida fun". I know we wont be close after this summer. but that is only in distance. I dont want it to be that way in friendship. I want to still talk to you. see you. party. shop. adventure. and I'm going to make sure that happens.
xoxo...teddy

to him.

Sometimes, when I sit here alone in the quiet. I think of you. I miss you...although I dont want to. I want to hate you.despise you.not even look at you. But I cant. I still feel attached, like I'm a dog on a leash, and you're holding the other end. I think of all the things we did. I think of all the fun we had. I recall the times when I would sit there and think of how lucky I was. how happy I was. how confident I was that we would always be we.
But I guess you had different plans. Plans of sticking with one until one better, one "prettier", comes along. I didnt understand. I still dont understand. And you would think that I would have gotten over this by now but I hanvent. I want to let go. But every time I see you, every time I simply hear your name, I think of what we went through. what we worked through. what we did. what we said. I gave you so much of me. trusting that you wouldnt hurt me. but you didnt care.
I remember the first time I really believed that you really did love me. You ran to me with tears in your eyes. You wrapped your arms around me and told me you loved me. It was that day that made me so confident that nothing could ever tear us apart. But I was wrong. I feel tricked. I feel manipulated. I feel used.
I think back to the day...the day that I now consider to be the worst day of my life. You lied to me. I wish you could have "manned up" and told me the truth, instead of me having to hear it from others. On that day you told me that you still loved me...however the last time I checked, loving someone didnt involve lying to them. shattering them. I try to put on a mask and pretend things are okay when I'm around you. But in reality, my mind is like a movie, playing the story of our past.
But every now and then....I look at you, and you look at me. And I wonder what happened...I wonder that if I had done something differently, if we would still be together. All the anger inside of me melts and I begin to miss you again. You might not understand this...but I meant everything I ever said to you. Everytime I told you I love you, and cared for you. Everytime I told you I was happy.
I gave you so much...but I guess that wasnt enough...
xoxo...pooks