pineapple pleasure.[to him#5]

today brought back a whirlwind of memories and emotions.
I felt so happy and comfortable, yet confused and awkward.
there's just something about you that holds on to me. I'm so sick of being caught under this "spell". I want to just let go and be free. I tell myself that I'm going to just move on but then you do something or say something that just pulls me right back in.
today while I was with you, a song came on. A song that I heard and became obsessed with a little over a year ago. When you & I decided that we were done listening to other people and were going to fight our way through. that we were going to work through anything and everything.
"what do you say to taking chances? what do you say to jumpin off the edge? never knowin if there's solid ground below or a hand to hold or hell to pay. what do you say" remember that song? I bet you do. I do too. I laughed to myself when that song came on as I remembered every single promise and challenge. and then look at us now. I never would have expected this.

I took a chance. Obviously it didnt turn out the way that I planned. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is still in it, still going for it. but it's only fooling itself. I need to just stop and let go. Why am I having such a hard time doing that?
xoxo...your secret.

to him #4.

I have sat here for quite a while staring at this screen. A tornado of thoughts is flying through my mind. I'm not sure how to word them. or order them. So I'm sorry if it seems like I am babbling on.
Tonight I realized something. I realized that I miss you. I believe I have written that before. but it's so different now. I can't even begin to explain it. I still see you. I still talk to you. but it's not the same. I miss what we had. I miss how things used to be.
I thought that I was all better. that I was no longer tied to you like this. but then tonight...oh tonight...I don't know what happened. I cracked. I broke down.
I find it slightly funny that I was planning on talking to you tonight. I was planning on asking you a question, a question that I told myself I would never ask you. Yet there I was, ready. In my mind I thought I was crazy, but at the same time I wanted to talk to you so badly about it. It was almost as if I had forgotten all the hurt and pain I've gone through. Then I was brought back to reality...everything came back to my memory. and because of it, I chickened out. I crumbled. I backed out of something that I was so determined to do today. For that, I am slightly disappointed at myself. but then again, maybe it was a good thing. maybe this is one risk that I shouldn't take.
My mind is full of confusion. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I let things like this affect me so much but I haven't found a way for it not to.

You know me. You know how I am and what gets to me.
...maybe that's the problem...
xoxo...lovely