to him #4.

I have sat here for quite a while staring at this screen. A tornado of thoughts is flying through my mind. I'm not sure how to word them. or order them. So I'm sorry if it seems like I am babbling on.
Tonight I realized something. I realized that I miss you. I believe I have written that before. but it's so different now. I can't even begin to explain it. I still see you. I still talk to you. but it's not the same. I miss what we had. I miss how things used to be.
I thought that I was all better. that I was no longer tied to you like this. but then tonight...oh tonight...I don't know what happened. I cracked. I broke down.
I find it slightly funny that I was planning on talking to you tonight. I was planning on asking you a question, a question that I told myself I would never ask you. Yet there I was, ready. In my mind I thought I was crazy, but at the same time I wanted to talk to you so badly about it. It was almost as if I had forgotten all the hurt and pain I've gone through. Then I was brought back to reality...everything came back to my memory. and because of it, I chickened out. I crumbled. I backed out of something that I was so determined to do today. For that, I am slightly disappointed at myself. but then again, maybe it was a good thing. maybe this is one risk that I shouldn't take.
My mind is full of confusion. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I let things like this affect me so much but I haven't found a way for it not to.

You know me. You know how I am and what gets to me.
...maybe that's the problem...
xoxo...lovely