marked.

dear "roy"
you put me through a lot.
you caused me a lot of pain.
you did what no guy should ever do.
i have kept so much about you a secret. in all reality only one person knows the truth. simply because i was scared of what people would say, think, and do.
i found myself so embarrassed when i just thought about you and what happened.
but i can finally say, with a smile on my face,
i forgive you.
and hope the best for you.
it feels so good to say that.

xoxo...june


thought::forgiveness is so hard.
dream::what you said and did, will not define me.
hope::great life for you. great future for me.
inspiration::summer. and what ive held on to.

please dont stop the music.

dear music man.
it feels as if ive known you my whole life,
even though it has only been a couple of years.
and now youre moving into a new season...a new place.
i knew this would happen one day. but i failed to prepare myself.

not everyone gets it. some people dont understand why i take this so hard.
but its because they dont know everything youve done in my life.
i can honestly say that no person has ever impacted my life like you have.
you may think thats impossible but its the truth.

.you gave me opportunities no one else would give me.
.you stretched me, helped me grow up.
.you pushed me to grow spiritually.
.you listened to my every opinion, every problem, every concern.
.you believed in me and encouraged me.
.you supported every dream, goal, idea. you never laughed or said i was crazy.
.you were a leader, a mentor, but also my friend.

i wouldnt be where i am now in life if it wasnt for you.
because of you im a completely different person than i was 2 years ago.
i cannot thank God enough for allowing you and i to cross paths.

thank you. for everything.
you probably dont even realize how important of a role you played in my life.
i know this will not be goodbye.
it cannot be goodbye. only a "see you soon"

xoxo...the backup.

thought::i cant believe youre gone so fast.
dream::you will always be in my life.
hope::a great life for you.
inspiration::my friend. who's moving on.

mr big shot

we have been friends for almost four years.
which is quite some time.
weve been through a lot together i feel like.
and thats why i consider you to be such a good friend.

to me, this was a friendship to treasure.
i always had your back. always did whatever you asked or needed.
you were someone i never wanted to lose.
i couldnt imagine a life without a friend like you in it.

but i obviously was mistaken somewhere...
im sorry that im such a bother to you.
youve obviously taken some things the wrong way.
i'll step back i guess. let you live. let you breathe.

i mean its whatever really.
see you around.
xoxo...bucky.

thought::not sure what to think about this.
dream::peace.
hope::real friends that are worth my time.
inspiration::ohh if they only knew

s.o.s.

i have found myself in a place thats not so familiar to me.
i have always known what i want to do, but ive never been so unsure as i am now.
i have always tried to stay so strong, but im approaching weakness.

God
i dont know what Youre doing
but whatever it is, do it.
have Your way in me.
im longing for the answers.
that peace that passes all understanding.
do what You will.
xoxo...Your servant

thoughts::i hate feeling so weak.
dream::to know the answers.
hope::strength&growth.
inspiration::wonder of His plan.

to newbie.

ohhgirll.
i just cant make up my mind on you.
i long for that friendship, but im not sure if you are the girl i thought you were.
trusting people has always been difficult for me.
and i cant decide if youre one to be trusted. i cant afford to be misguided by another "friend" again.
some moments, i feel as if we just click. like we have been best friends forever.
other times, i wonder if you even care. if you are just putting on a series of acts.

i have yet to make up my mind.
maybe only time can tell what will happen.
xoxo...the blonde.

thought::for once, i want to be wrong.
dream::trust. peace. joy.
hope::a good friend.
inspiration::a friendship waiting to grow.

remaking my list.

my heart has been broken, more than once.
ive been torn apart, on more than one occasion.
and its taken a while to get my heart to where it is now.

im done believing the lies poured into my head.
im done being this little worried insecure girl.
it is in Christ where i find my strength and my self image.
for He is the One who will never hurt me, who will never let me down.

i know what i want.
i know what i deserve.

dear mr whoever you are,
im trying to be patient.
but i just want to know who you are now.
i cant wait until i finally know.
until everything in my life finally all comes together.
i love you my dear.
xoxo...your girl.

thought:: i cannot settle.
dream:: perfection.
hope:: patience, so i do not mess up again.
inspiration:: the present, my future.

dont let the bedbugs bite.

so many dreams, more like nightmares.
every night when i lay down i close my eyes in the hope that they will go away.
but they have yet to leave. every night, in my dream, im in a different place at a different time of day around different people...well for the most part.
theres one person who's always there.
the dream may start nicely, but then it gets worse and worse.
continuing to go downhill until i wake up in fear, tears, or embarrassment.
all of these nightmares run through my head as i try to figure out why theyre there in the first place. i need them to go away. they have to go away.

to my nightmares,
go away. let me be.
i cant have you sticking around.
my mind is meant to be filled with peace,
not your crazyness. so leave.
xoxo...the dreamer.

thought::i need sleep. good sleep.
dream::end to the nightmares.
hope::peace and rest.
inspiration::my mind and the stories in it.

stripped.

i dont know whats happening.
i feel as if so much is being taken away, but i cant do anything about it.
the state of being drained. state of brokenness. yet, a state of humility.
i dont have it all together. i cant do everything on my own.
but i dont know where to go from here. what to do, where to turn.

oh God
Your plan is better than mine, i know that.
i may not get it, i mightnot like it at times,
but please. do Your will with my life.
i dont understand whats going on,
but my trust is in You.
xoxo...Your Vessel

thought::so tired. so drained. so confused.
dream::my life the way it should be.
hope::peace. patience. understanding.
inspiration::my life. and what is being stripped away.

yes. no. maybe?

dear boii
you threw me for a loop, thats for sure.
and now im left in an interesting position.
im not sure what i think or how i feel about this.
but i guess theres a lot im unsure of lately.
i guess only time will tell, right?
xoxo...heath

thought::youre so confusing.
dream::my perfect life.
hope::the right thing will happen.
inspiration::complexity

bring it.

this has to be the largest mountain ive ever had to face.
&&it is an ohso difficult climb.
the things that mean the most to me are being stripped away.
im being broken down, only to be at a point of complete humility before Christ.
my hope is in Him. my breakthrough is on the way.
i will put my trust in Christ, for i am nothing without Him.

to the boy and to the girl,
i am not someone you can use.
i refuse to play your games.
what you think doesnt matter.
you do not define me.
xoxo...me

thought::2010 is my year
dream::never ending hope
hope::the best is yet to come
inspiration::the things i used to love.

freedom is so sweet.

i can be so stupid, so immature sometimes.
as some people know, ive been in a struggle for a long while.
i have written so many letters titled "to him". but why were there so many?
why can i not let go? how do i keep finding myself pulled back into this trap?
he has damaged my confidence. he has torn apart my self esteem. he has caused me more hurt and pain than any other person ever has. so WHY would i still feel attached? WHY would i not be completely 100% over this?
the past month i have been trying to figure out why. why has it not passed? why has it not gone away? why have i not yet overcome this trial?
the answer is so obvious, so simple.

Psalm 55:22:
"cast your cares on the Lord
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall"
1 Peter 5:6-7:
"humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand,
that He may lift you up in due time.
cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you"

I have been so hurt, so troubled for far too long.
and the worst part is that its ALL MY FAULT.
how can i have been so stupid?
I have been holding on to this for so long, when all ive had to do was give it over to Him. He can take it away. He will take care of me.
I have been so stubborn, thinking i could overcome this whole thing myself...and i cant. the reason that i havent fully recovered? because i havent handed it all over to Him.

its time to let go. its time to give God my everything.
i am still growing, still learning. i am stripping away what used to be me. for i am nothing, can do nothing, without Him.
the struggle is over. i am free.
and it feels so good.

my Father,
thank You.
xoxo...Your daughter.

thought::ive been waiting for this peace.
dream::come true.
hope::my hope is in Him.
inspiration::the past yr & a half of my life.

rockstar.

sometimes
i want to smack you in the face
and yell HELLO! OPEN YOUR EYES! IM RIGHT HERE!
however, i doubt that will change anything.
maybe one day you will understand; my fear is that you wont.
xoxo...pink&black

thought::do you know? or are you really that oblivious
dream::my fairtytale.
hope::that there is hope.
inspiration::oh if you only knew.